Romeo Must Die.

Venue:Cafe in nairobery
Time:1730 hrs
Event:Me trying to romanz my kabaibe...

So i decided to make up for my physical absence from better half's side for the past two weeks by taking her for a cuppa as we catch up.Which ought to be a prity gud idea for QT ryt?WRONG!!

We were sitted thea.Me, waxing her lyrical,as i flashed my pearly whites and She, batting her sexy eyelashes at me and everything was da kodak moment until some guy walks in in a lavender shirt(not purple,lavender)some tight ass jeans and stylish gucci loaferz and i know what ur wondering,which is,what was i doing looking at dis guy-from top to down like dat when ma mrs was in da hizi-if i don't swing both ways?Well the man walked in,the full shakespeare mode:

a ginormous(gigantic+enormous) bouqet of flowers,
a poem
the kaexpensive goodiebag



So what's a brother to do in such a scenario when a negro walks in and steals the thunder pamoja with its rain at ur festival?Anyway game ni game ama..

Then ma damsel openend her mouth and spoke what seemed like everyother chic in da cafe was thinking......"How come u never do dat?"

Can u bliv dat!How nw?!

After dis man has struggled to take her to a restaraunt with an overpriced menu,undersized plates and an italian name thats an organ in da digestive system?am asked dat?!Cmon!

I smile switly to prevent myself from going into a "Nigga moment" and play blonde "What u mean honeybun?"
"U know becoming all sensitive and mellow with me?" She replies.
So i went into autopilot and just nodded as she talked and told me evrything i apparently don't do.But truly inside i was cursing "Mr. Romeo" and all his soap opera watching wanna be's who give the rest of mankind such a hard task being male.
Why couldn't he have pulled such a move in the confines of his bedroom and save us all this?I can't understand what it is, what it it do or what does what,with these brethren who put us in such uncomfy positions all in the name of being romantic.N that's why today am sending out a death warrant:
WANTED PREFERABLY DEAD THAN ALIVE
Any slick looking dude who believes he's THE gift to all mamaz
if spotted with flowers,poems,candy or any other weapon of female destruction shoot to kill,maime or disfigure.The assailant is usualy in a lavender shirt-not purple,lavender.
.Find him,Do him in.

ROMEO MUST DIE

I'm hating da man in da mirror!!

So there i was,seated,with perspiration trickling down my face.I couldn't believe dat this was happening i thought i had quit this vice,i thought i was stronger than this only to fall back into the pit...
What was i thinking when i decided to ask the waiter to do dat?!I had the option of askin for anything.A bottle of dasani water to clean my system,picana perhaps but instead went for the stuff dat i had quit and was enjoying it!The heat in da room rose a notch n i loosened da knot on my tie abit as well and savoured da taste it left on my tongue and da feeling it left as it went down my throat and just hit the spot filling me with sensory explosions on my taste buds!!!!!Dammit i was hooked and i knew it!!!
So i got off da high stool head hung low disappointed with maself ...and looked into the mirror and asked "Why on earth do fast food restaurants put a mirror in front of you as eat the most unhealthy food u can?"
Might as well grab maself a diet coke for ma conscience sake den....
Al get ma healthy back next year.

The best or Nothing.

The ideology of mercedes benz...and undoudtedly that of most old and lonely peeps coz as u live ur life waiting for Mr. or Miss right the world just comes and passses u by-or u end up with Miss take!So as one of us waits for that supermodel,who is sharp like a razor,a whore in bed,an economist in the supermarket, a prima donna to the kids and a chef in the kitchen u actualli just wear out from the waiting or become a chipser( read chips-UH!)
But then again isn't it ironical that some dudes who settle mapema wind up with a nag in the supermarket,a primma donna like a razor, a whore in the kitchen and an economist in bed?!
And don't even get me started on the brethren???

dats called L.I.F.E(Little Ironies Fully Expounded)

Horror-scope!?

So can anybody who looks at their hororscopes pliz tell me y the the hell they do??!cz am stumped!!!I guess am just totally freaked out the fact that either a guy can just look up and no wat my day will be like or that they think i'm dumb enuf to believe dat garbage!!!
But wat if u opened the papers and saw in the horoscope section that u'd av a fatal accident then as u continued to go thru the paper,found your picture "eroneouslly" in da obituary section?
WTF...
My sentiments exactly.

Dining at the HILL-TON

Well so since i'm trying to get my healthy back,jana i decided to go to dis ka "real african dishes" joint and true to their word they had african dishes u know gourds and the ish but terrible african food!!!
But the thing dat caught my was an item on the menu their "chicken VIP" ....I know!i was asking the same question wat da hell???
In campo they say that when the semester begins since you still av money u'll be eating chicken,then in the middle of the semester u'll be eating chicken products coz u avn't spent all your money n by the end of the sem. u'll be eating chicken feed coz of how broke your a** is!!But thats me being random,back to the VIP...
It comprises of chicken marinated with egg can you imajin how that would taste egg and chicken in the same mouthfull,isn't there like a law against doing that.But anyway,suffice it to say that that's the last time i visit the hill-ton.
Furahidayz just checked in!!!
The weekend is here!TGIF.

WELCOME TO TEMPTATION ISLAND.

So u no how usually when ur late for work is the time there's a monster of a traffic jam to ur place of work,or the printer and p.c. have a problem just when your minutes away from ur presentation?well i'm right there,right now...
So picture this a young single guy who's been on lock down for so long who is then suddenly thrust on a lush island with all the women and liqour he can dream of..
(At this point a screech sound,dj scratch or any effect that pulls one out of the fantasy world)
Just when i decided to try and zero-graze as opposed to checking if the grass is always greener on the other side and quitting the bottle so as to achieve a better self,lady luck just pulled a fast one on me.Now i have a house all to myself with alot of liqour and did i say a house to myself..need i mention my zero-grazee trusts me which is something i don't particularly like right now...dammit.Talk about a blessing being a curse!
Ope i'll survive dis...

MAY DA REAL KEG KAPTAIN PLIZ STAND UP.

"Can you be rich and be ghetto?"
More than just a line from the jam coz i av a pal lets just call him Bob-no relation to the mad man in Zim though.Now Bob is a guy who no matter how much mad mullah he makes we'll always opt to go another joint in riverroad called passe(pronounced pass E)
So let me just paint a picture of the joint it can barely fit 8 average sized dudes inside,which begs da swali of how guys kunyua there when it rains but sticking to da script,on top of that most of da patrons drink while pocketing with one hand coz well...u never know when the craving will strike..So why does Bob like this joint so much certainly not the ambience,music or big screen coz they aint got none !its the keg
He loathes crowded dancefloors,arrogance bouncers,outrageous bills and is a man who just likes enjoying his lika(liqour) bila stress...
So to all those connoisseurs,who keep true to their tastes regardless of the fads or latest ad,to you who know what they want in their bottle...
we salute you...
we say...
Chiassssss!